Just want to clear it up

     Hey guys, sorry that is has been a couple days, Ive heard different feedback from different people over my post and its taken some time to actually sit down and think about things and how I wanted to respond to them.
     Yes, I have had a very hard life, and even though I post about experiences I have lived through its not because I want people to feel bad for me. I dont want the sympathy vote from people. In fact I actually, looking back, love the hard life that I have had to endure. I love the person that I am today, I love how strong I am today and I would not change me for the entire WORLD! If I hadn't lived through what I did, my boyfriend would have never fallen in love with the man that I am today. I know that life gets hard, and people around you can be even harder. Dont ever give up, and dont ever change who you are. Just remember you can choose you family, I know I have. There is nothing you can do about your biological family, but if they dont accept who you are then they aren't real family. The people around you that love you and are there for you for anything, anytime, those are your true family members!
     I also want to touch on something else I know millions of people struggle with, especially people in situations where they feel unwanted. I want to be the first to admit, I turned to substances to try and aid in the pain that I felt. I nearly ruined my life, and almost died in the end of it. People say all the time that drugs/alcohol are not the answer, and for the 4 years of my addiction I would have disagreed just like everyone else stuck in one. Even after losing over 40 pounds, getting to where I was so sick all the time, and doing my drugs daily, I would have denied that I had a problem. 'It was just me having fun'. It wasn't until I went to the clubs one night, got home from the clubs about 7am still blitzed out of my mind, and the next thing I know I'm waking up in a hospital. The doctor came in the room, and when he looked at me I will never forget the look on his face, like he had seen a ghost. The thing that still haunts me to this day, and keeps my sober date building everyday is what he said next, "Son, do you know what day it is?". I said, "of course, its monday the 24." He replied "No son, its Saturday the 29. You have been in a coma for 5 days now. We did not ever expect to have you back. The amount of ecstasy in your system should have killed you."I don't ever want anybody having to go through waking up in a hospital. The only thing that my drug addiction did was prolong the pain that I felt, and even made it harder to deal with in the end, because I was not only dealing with the pain of my life but now I have to deal with the pain of detoxing and learning to cope with my entire life without any sort of substances. I can promise, if you never believe anything that I say, just believe this; I ONLY REGRET THE 4 YEARS OF MY LIFE THAT I MISSED BECAUSE I WAS TOO HIGH TO EVEN KNOW WHAT I WAS DOING THAT ENTIRE TIME. Though, once again it has made me a stronger person, I just dont want anyone to have to hit the rock bottom that I did in order to realize that the 4 people sitting in the hospital room crying when I woke up, were the family that I thought I never had.

You are not alone, you will never be alone, and I beg you to enjoy the sober life. The memories are so much clearer in the end, and you will never have to look back and thank God that you are alive. You never have to see the scared faces of your family, the face that they thought they would have to say goodbye to you forever. They would never be able to go to the movie with you again, never get to call and tell you about their day or come over to give you a hug because you got engaged.

Life may be hard, but dont ever forget you are an amazing person and your life is worth living in sobriety.

Sober days: 2 years. 3 months. 25 days. and climbing :) You can do it too.

Not the Greatest Day

     So today hasn't quite been the best day so far. Woke up with my mind still drowning in sorrows. I dont know why I cant keep my mind off of the negatives sometimes. Its like no matter what I try and do nothing cheers me out of these moods. It all started last night when my boyfriend was acting like I wasnt even there. I had gone to buy some surprise flowers and candles to make our night a nice romantic night on the couch watching a movie before retiring. He ended up coming home over an hour and a half late because apparently he had to be the one to stay back and talk to the owner about everything going on at his gym. I can understand that and it wouldn't have been a big deal at all if he didnt ignore me for the first hour he was home, sitting on his phone. I tried talking to him, hugging him, kissing him, even laying my head in his lap and looking up at him. He didnt even move his eyes away from his phone for half a second and just kept on texting. Finally, I guess he got bored with his phone conversation and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him. We started it and didnt even get 5 minutes into the movie when his damn dog, which I hate with a passion, pops a squat and takes a shit right there in the middle of the living room in front of us. Since, my boyfriend cant ever discipline the damn thing its left up to me to jump up off the couch and just as I was going to grab his collar he jumped and started running away. Nothing upsets me more about that dog then when he runs, because I'm already pissed . I finally caught up to him and reaching down to grab him he turned and bit me on the hand, tearing skin from my thumb down the side about an inch long. I threw his face into his business and spanked him till my hand hurt, and put him in his cage. As I was cleaning my hand up, my boyfriend, decides this is the time to tell me "its your fault he bit you. If you didnt come at him so aggressively." I couldnt believe it. I have to punish his dog for him because he cant do it, and all of a sudden its my fault that the dog hates me more than him since all he does is baby the damn thing. "He has never bitten me because I'm nice to him", no shit, you dont ever discipline the dog, so of course you wouldnt know if he is capable of biting someone. Furious I decided to go to bed. He finally came to join me, and after having a long talk he understood why I was so upset and apologized.

     Waking up this morning to poop from the dog in the living room, heaven for bid we put him in his cage at night like I said we should do, but of course the boyfriend refuses. So I went in to wake him up and tell him hes got a mess to clean, Im done. I know all of this seems stupid to be upset about, but its been piling up for weeks and when enough is added I cant hold it in anymore. I was let go from my job saturday and Im sure that it has something to do with all of my emotions right now. I went from class this morning to talk with my sponsor, and when I got there the front desk told me she had just left 5 minutes ago. I couldnt help myself, I broke down right then and there. I couldnt stop crying long enough to even see where a kleenex was.

    None of this would be so hard to talk to someone about if I actually had a family to go to. My dad still to this day, 7 years later, chooses his "new" family over "his faggot son", and his mom doesnt "want to go to hell for knowing a queer". On my mom's side, the whole family excommunicated me at the same time. Atleast they didnt give the name calling, just one day stopped answering the phone, and never responded to the voice-mails. As far as mom goes, well after her new husband, threw me through a window for telling him I didnt want to finish what was on my plate. I ended up living on the streets of Dallas, getting really bad into drugs. All I have ever been taught is to deal with my problems by not talking to anyone else. I had no one else to talk to. I always have problems with any relationship I have, friends or boyfriends, waiting for the time that they will walk out on me just as everyone else has. It doesnt help either that my present boyfriend, actually cheated on me real bad just over a year ago, and I decided that I loved him too much not to give him a second chance. . . . . .

     I'm going to head to the gym and see if I can work out this mood. "The night is always darkest before the dawn."

Life keeps on trucking on and I've always thought that I would write a book to try and help someone that has beein going through the same things that I have had to go through. So for the moment I want to pour out my soul in my blog, and maybe in the future this can not only help to write that book but also give people any advice from my experiences.

My life as a gay man has never been easy. My father "didn't want a FAGGOT for a son" leaving me to myself when I was 14. I couldn't go live with my mom because she had re-married an abusive step-father. I have kept so much bottled in for so long and it has just eaten me from the inside out and I am done with the pain. I love who I am today, and I want to better myself every single day that I wake up in the morning and I am doing just that.

My life in the past year has only just began to look as if I am finally coming out of the dark. I can finally live a life and be happy with all that I have. I have the best boyfriend in the world that loves me for everything thing that I have gone through and become. From the very moment that I laid eyes on him, I knew he was the one. This is the man that God put on this Earth for me.

I wont make this all too long to read, but I am going to keep at this as much as I can remember to get on here. Even if no one ever comes to read it, I believe that just typing it to be out there will help me better my self.

For all of those who take the time to read,
Thank You

Trevor :)