Not the Greatest Day

     So today hasn't quite been the best day so far. Woke up with my mind still drowning in sorrows. I dont know why I cant keep my mind off of the negatives sometimes. Its like no matter what I try and do nothing cheers me out of these moods. It all started last night when my boyfriend was acting like I wasnt even there. I had gone to buy some surprise flowers and candles to make our night a nice romantic night on the couch watching a movie before retiring. He ended up coming home over an hour and a half late because apparently he had to be the one to stay back and talk to the owner about everything going on at his gym. I can understand that and it wouldn't have been a big deal at all if he didnt ignore me for the first hour he was home, sitting on his phone. I tried talking to him, hugging him, kissing him, even laying my head in his lap and looking up at him. He didnt even move his eyes away from his phone for half a second and just kept on texting. Finally, I guess he got bored with his phone conversation and asked if I wanted to watch a movie with him. We started it and didnt even get 5 minutes into the movie when his damn dog, which I hate with a passion, pops a squat and takes a shit right there in the middle of the living room in front of us. Since, my boyfriend cant ever discipline the damn thing its left up to me to jump up off the couch and just as I was going to grab his collar he jumped and started running away. Nothing upsets me more about that dog then when he runs, because I'm already pissed . I finally caught up to him and reaching down to grab him he turned and bit me on the hand, tearing skin from my thumb down the side about an inch long. I threw his face into his business and spanked him till my hand hurt, and put him in his cage. As I was cleaning my hand up, my boyfriend, decides this is the time to tell me "its your fault he bit you. If you didnt come at him so aggressively." I couldnt believe it. I have to punish his dog for him because he cant do it, and all of a sudden its my fault that the dog hates me more than him since all he does is baby the damn thing. "He has never bitten me because I'm nice to him", no shit, you dont ever discipline the dog, so of course you wouldnt know if he is capable of biting someone. Furious I decided to go to bed. He finally came to join me, and after having a long talk he understood why I was so upset and apologized.

     Waking up this morning to poop from the dog in the living room, heaven for bid we put him in his cage at night like I said we should do, but of course the boyfriend refuses. So I went in to wake him up and tell him hes got a mess to clean, Im done. I know all of this seems stupid to be upset about, but its been piling up for weeks and when enough is added I cant hold it in anymore. I was let go from my job saturday and Im sure that it has something to do with all of my emotions right now. I went from class this morning to talk with my sponsor, and when I got there the front desk told me she had just left 5 minutes ago. I couldnt help myself, I broke down right then and there. I couldnt stop crying long enough to even see where a kleenex was.

    None of this would be so hard to talk to someone about if I actually had a family to go to. My dad still to this day, 7 years later, chooses his "new" family over "his faggot son", and his mom doesnt "want to go to hell for knowing a queer". On my mom's side, the whole family excommunicated me at the same time. Atleast they didnt give the name calling, just one day stopped answering the phone, and never responded to the voice-mails. As far as mom goes, well after her new husband, threw me through a window for telling him I didnt want to finish what was on my plate. I ended up living on the streets of Dallas, getting really bad into drugs. All I have ever been taught is to deal with my problems by not talking to anyone else. I had no one else to talk to. I always have problems with any relationship I have, friends or boyfriends, waiting for the time that they will walk out on me just as everyone else has. It doesnt help either that my present boyfriend, actually cheated on me real bad just over a year ago, and I decided that I loved him too much not to give him a second chance. . . . . .

     I'm going to head to the gym and see if I can work out this mood. "The night is always darkest before the dawn."